Maritime Restraint

Jimmy stared at the sign hanging over his friend. He squinted at the simple words carved into the swinging plank. He glanced down at his equipment and huffed as he hurried to the pier and jostled Sebastian’s shoulder. “What’s with banning fishing, nets, and drama? Didn’t we come to hunt for our lunch?”

Sebastian’s head shook as he turned and tucked a clipboard under his arm. When he finished turning around, his shoulders sank as if gravity had grown personal. He reached down and tapped the ax in Jimmy’s grasp. It wasn’t a large one. Rather, it was a compact hand ax that looked as if it might apologize after chopping something.

“Jimmy, what is this?”

“It’s my ax,” Jimmy said, pulling it away from Sebastian. “What about it?”

Sebastian closed his eyes. “Walk me through your reasoning.”

“What do you want to know?”

Sebastian clapped his friend’s shoulder. “Let’s start simple. Why are you bringing forestry equipment to a body of water?”

Jimmy stepped back from his friend, licking his lips. “Because you mentioned we’d be hunting something with tentacles.”

Sebastian struck his forehead. “I said you might need your spectacles to sort testimonials.”

Jimmy lifted his hand ax, staring at the capped edge. He shook his head and took a step forward. “Why are we at a marina if not for calamari? Are you sure we’re not searching for octopuses? I mean they have tentacles, don’t they!”

“Testimonials,” Sebastian said, as he snatched the tool from his friend’s grasp. He placed it on a nearby cubby and tapped the overhead sign with his clipboard. “Don’t forget the rules. We can’t fish on this pier.”

“How will we get the seafood?”

Taking a deep breath, Sebastian tucked the board under his arm. He pointed at the nearby building and grinned. “We are here to assist the marina manager with her website.”

“How does that help with getting lunch?”

“If we complete the work she has, she’ll pay us. Then we can have a good meal.”

Jimmy’s face pinched as he eyed his ax. “If we’re not hunting the critters who live under the water, then why’d you talk about dealing with tentacles?”

“Testimonials,” Sebastian said, thrusting a finger towards two boxes pressed against the building’s wall. “She wants us to sift through the reviews and determine the best ones to pull for the website.”

As if to punctuate Sebastian’s words, the marina manager stormed out of the building and slammed the door in her wake. The tall, sunburned woman carried the authority of someone who had shouted down hurricanes and won. She eyed the ax laying on the nearby cubby and wiped her mouth. “What’s that thing doing here?”

Jimmy stepped toward his tool, his smile widening. “I brought that in case diplomacy failed.”

Sebastian slapped his friend’s hand as he blocked him from the ax. “I’m not sure why, but he’s convinced there’s going to be octopuses involved.”

The woman’s eye twitched as she surged forward, shoving a finger into Jimmy’s chest. “Why would you consider that a problem you’d have to solve?”

A wet slap cracked through the air. All three heads whipped toward the echoing sound. Something wriggling reached out and hauled itself onto the pier, followed by more of the same. In the end, half its tentacles draped over several coils of rope. Jimmy rushed forward, snatching the ax.

Before Jimmy could move in the octopus’s direction, Sebastian grabbed his friend’s wrist. “You can’t chop the marine life!”

“I’m not!” Jimmy wriggled his hand free and turned to the invading creature. “I am opening talks!”

“You don’t use an ax for that. You get more out of a handshake. And it has eight of them!”

The marina manager inhaled slowly, offering the two friends a dismissive wave as she stepped between them and the octopus. “It escaped from the educational tank. It’s harmless.”

The octopus reached out with a curious tentacle and wrapped it around Jimmy’s ankle. With a squeak, he raised his ax. However, Sebastian grabbed his wrist again. “According to her, you’ll be fine. She’s the expert.”

Jimmy’s gaze shifted to his friend as he drew a deep breath. “The octopus is sizing me up. That doesn’t seem safe to me.”

“It’s hugging you,” Sebastian said as he wrestled the ax out of his friend’s grasp.

“With industrial suction!”

The manager folded her arms across her chest as she looked back over her shoulder. “I dragged you both here to curate the marina’s reviews.”

Sebastian nodded. “Yup, that’s why you hired us.”

Jimmy yelped as a second tentacle latched onto his other ankle, encircling his leg. “It’s wrapping me up!”

The octopus climbed the dock and perched upon the ropes, its tentacles embracing Jimmy’s shins like affectionate hosiery.

The manager shook her head and walked toward it. “It is exploring the pier, gentlemen.”

Jimmy’s eyes whipped about as he grabbed Sebastian’s arm. “It has declared maritime ownership over my legs!”

“Jimmy, remain still.”

“I am!”

“No, you’re vibrating.”

The manager leaned forward. “Should I consider this our marquee testimonial?”

“No!” Jimmy clawed at his friend’s forearm. “This is suction with criminal intent!”

She snapped her fingers, and the octopus released Jimmy and slid back into the water, disappearing with a final ripple. An awkward silence consumed the pier as Jimmy lay sprawled out, his hair plastered to his forehead.

The marina manager stared at them both. “Do you think you’ll be able to pen the capstone testimonial? Or should I hire someone who doesn’t arm themselves for seafood?”

Jimmy dusted himself off and straightened with wounded dignity. “I would like it noted I showed tremendous restraint.”

“You raised an ax at a mollusk,” Sebastian replied.

“But I didn’t swing.”

The manager sighed. “Write something flattering. Keep it under two hundred words. And no mention of axes.”

Sebastian nodded and smiled. “Of course.”

Jimmy folded his arms across his chest and dropped his head. “I’ve lost my appetite for anything with suction. For life.”